Whoever Santa is, Don't Come Back Next Year
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: FINALLY UPDATED IM SO SORRY! Urahara runs around seireitei, spreading the news about legendary Santa and forcing everyone to abandon all paperwork and go to sleep, unless of course they want coal under that tree tomorrow morning. merry Christmas everyone!
1. Twas the night before

hi! merry Christmas, all! okay, I admit, I couldn't finish this in time (me the procrastinator), so Part 2 comes later, kay? (so sorry!)

* * *

'Stupid human customs,' muttered Byakuya after a taichou's meeting under the influence of Urahara. The ex-taichou had barged his way through a few barriers and lots of shinigami who tried to stop him and then gate-crashed the meeting. For what? To influence all not in the know about an upcoming human tradition, of course. After which he ordered every division to celebrate this certain tradition called Christmas.

So, every traditional taichou (i.e. everyone) was muttering murder threats under his/her breath as the meeting was adjourned, all except Unohana, who decided not to defile her reputation. Despite all murder threats directed at the happy-go-lucky man in the green-and-white striped bucket hat, thirteen conical trees were set up in the thirteen division common halls. All waiting for the legend of the bearded man with the sack of wrapped boxes who had this affinity for chocolate chip cookies and glasses of milk, preferably left on the dining table for him to pick up and consume at midnight.

All these cookie-and-milk stories, of course, explained Santa's pants-size.

--

At precisely 11pm, Urahara made his rounds, ensuring that all division heads had set up a tree and was ready to go to sleep.

...................................................................................................

**First division**

'Urahara, I demand that you leave this division at once, or I will—' the soutaichou raised his staff.

Urahara, in response, nodded happily and peered out from under his hat, after which he ordered the head of seireitei into the futon and kindly offered to tuck him in.

He declined, without a hint of politeness.

'Ahh~~Choujiroouuu!!'

The red-faced fukutaichou of the first division pulled his face into a scowl Ichigo would have been proud of.

'What do you want, Urahara-san?'

'Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were in bed so that Santa wouldn't miss out on you tonight just because you stayed awake past midnight! Sweet dreams!' the ex-taichou blew him a kiss.

Choujirou made a face of disgust and frowned once again as Urahara made his way out of the door, twirling Benihime.

He went to bed.

...................................................................................................

**Second division**

Next victim: well, the next division, of course. Without bothering to knock, Urahara slid the door open and stepped into the room that was strewn with cracker wrappers to see a certain someone eating crackers. He walked right up to Oomaeda and snatched the crackers away and tossed it aside.

'Ne, ne, Marechiyo-saaan,' Urahara sing-songed. 'Stop eating the crackers, it'll keep you awake, and then Santa won't come because you won't be asleep at midnight!'

'But I—'

'No buts!' Urahara said happily, ushering the second-in-command of the second division into his room. 'Because, when Santa comes, he knows whether you're awake or not! And he only gives presents to those who are sleeping and not watching out for him!'

The slight action brought Soifon into the room. 'Urahara, we have set up the (insert beep)-ing tree, so please go away.'

'Ah, but Soifon,' Urahara gleefully discarded all honorifics. 'You see, I wanted to make sure you're all asleep, you know, so that the onmitsukidou won't assassinate Santa in the middle of his mission to deliver presents to everyone!'

Urahara then placed both hands on Soifon's shoulders and steered her in the direction of her room and within seconds he found himself surrounded by ninjas threatening to slice his head clean (except for the blood) off unless he relinquished their superior.

'Uh, right…um, I get the gist, could you, er, let me go now?' the not-so-happy man attempted to slowly back his way out of the second division, still surrounded by ninjas, but even then he had completed his mission of making sure Soifon was in her room. With one consultation of a watch Ichigo had lent him, Urahara decided to Shunpo his way out, hoping the ninjas weren't still after his guts.

...................................................................................................

**Third division**

It was apparent that the second division ninjas were still out to at least make Urahara Kisuke shed some blood when he Shunpo-ed to the third division to find himself, seconds later, surrounded by ninjas.

There and then, an argument took place in the front garden of the third division.

'What do you want? I left already, so just leave me alone!'

'We want to know what you were doing in our division quarters harassing our taichou.'

'I wasn't harassing her! I was just trying to make sure Santa didn't dump any lumps of coal under your tree tonight! So if you want nice presents instead of lumps of coal, put cookies and milk out and go to sleep like good little children, okay?'

The second division members scowled. Eventually Urahara decided the best way out was to enter the third division, which thankfully none of the ninjas decided they should enter.

'Gin-kuuunn!!' Urahara once again fearlessly dropped all basics of respect while addressing his former colleagues. 'Are ya sleepin'?' he apparently also decided to imitate Ichimaru's Kansai dialect.

'Wha' is it, Urahara-saaann?' the taichou of the third division recognised the exaggerated Kansai dialect directed at him and dragged his words out even more.

'Well, ya see…ah just wanted ta' make sure tha' you would go ta' sleep befo' Santa came to deliver presents…' Urahara seemed to be having a lot of fun tonight.

'Oh really? Well, don't worry, ne, Urahara-san, ah'm abou' ta' sleep soon, ne, but Santa ain't gettin' no cookies,' Ichimaru waved a hand vaguely in the direction of Urahara.

'Gin-kuun?' how abou' tha' tree?'

'Inside, in tha' room there,' he waved his hand vaguely in the direction of a dark little room.

Both men chuckled as Urahara left the building and Ichimaru entered his room.

...................................................................................................

**Fourth division**

'Urahara-san, please go out.' The taichou of the fourth division ordered the happy Santa's Messenger out of the building.

Ever-eager to help Santa, he refused. 'But Unohana…tell me, where did you set up the tree?'

'We have set it up in the main hall, but we are NOT going to sleep. We, as the medical centre, have patients to care for. We do not leave them alone and go to sleep early just to satisfy the conditions of a child's fairytale.'

Urahara was stumped. 'Uh…then, um,'

Unohana walked over to Urahara and pulled herself up to her full height where she towered over him, braid swinging ominously in his face. 'I, said,'

'OkayokayIgetitnoneedtoforcemeoutalrightIcangetoutbymyselfI'msorryokay???' Urahara turned, ran for a few metres, did an abrupt about-turn and flicked his paper fan open. 'Fooled ya!' he smiled happily.

'What do you want us to do?' the healer was getting into one of those rare states of anger.

'Let's see…maybe, hmm…how about if I wanted everyone to sleep?'

'No.'

'Sedatives?'

'No.'

'Anaesthetic?'

'No.'

'A knock on the head with a very big hammer?'

'NO.'

'How about…'

'GET OUT!' and the smiling panda-eyed man was tossed out, fan and all, onto the grassy lawn of the fourth division where the concerned seventh-seat asked whether he required medical attention.

...................................................................................................

**Fifth division**

The devoted fukutaichou of the fifth division opened the door to the Christmas Nightmare, also known as Urahara Kisuke.

'Ah, Urahara-san, let me go get Aizen-taichou.'

Conniving man that he is, Urahara obviously had to eavesdrop on the conversation held on the other side of the door.

'Aizen-taichou! It's Urahara-san! I think he wants to come in to do something about tomorrow…'

'This is unacceptable. Hinamori-kun, the ink stone.'

After a while of shuffling, the door creaked open. 'Urahara-san,' Hinamori said. 'Aizen-taichou wants you to come in.'

The man paled.

'Oh, really? I don't think I should intrude on your privacy, of course except to make sure that you have a tree set up?' the girl nodded. 'And how about going to sleep? You need to be asleep by midnight…'

'No, no, Aizen-taichou says you have to come in!'

The kind figure of Aizen Sousuke appeared at the door. 'Never mind, Hinamori-kun, we can discuss matters here, can't we?' he turned to face Urahara, raising the ink stone.

'Ara, you want me to help you write a wish list to Santa? Sorry, but it's a little late for that, why don't you just go to sleep and see what you get tomorrow morning?'

Upon seeing that the fifth division was tougher than what he expected, Urahara decided to display a little of his prowess and wrestled the ink stone away from the taichou of the fifth division and clubbed him over the head with it before knocking Hinamori unconscious with the same weapon.

Once again checking the watch borrowed from the shinigami daikou, Urahara decided that due to lack of time before midnight violent methods will be put into practice to sedate those who did not agree after two minutes of persuasion.

He took the ink stone.

...................................................................................................

**Sixth division**

'Ne, Abarai-kun, go to sleep, okay? Or else Santa will give you lumps of coal tonight…'

'No. the paperwork is due next week. It must be finished.'

'But Santa is coming tomorrow!'

'Tell Kuchiki-taichou about it.'

'Okay!' and Urahara brought the ink stone (courtesy of fifth division) down on Renji's head, effectively knocking the man unconscious.

The door to the taichou's office opened to reveal the taichou of the sixth division hard at work at his desk while a simple tree sat in one corner of the room.

'Byakushi!!' the ex-taichou of the twelfth division borrowed a certain someone's nickname to tic a certain someone off. 'Go to sleep, ne?'

'No.'

'Ok!' and the taichou received the same treatment his second in command had received: a whack in the head.

With a loud cracking noise, the ink stone made contact with his head and it took Urahara a full minute to figure out that the crack noise was not his precious weapon crumbling but in fact a certain noble's kenseikan crumbling.

Oh well. No more hair noodles, then.

...................................................................................................

**Seventh division**

The soft glow of a candle could be seen in the otherwise dark seventh division and Santa's Oversized Eager Helper Elf decided to find out why.

'Ano…'

'What do you want, Urahara-san?' Komamura was not exactly in the best of moods in the candlelight.

'I thought you were all asleep…?'

'We got a power cut.' The officers of the seventh division were doing the paperwork mentioned in the sixth division.

'Oh. Well then, when life gives you blackberries, make strawberries!' and he blew out the candle.

'How does that work? I thought it was lemons and lemonade…'

'Never mind! Now that we have a power cut, we blow out the candle and then go to sleep! Chop chop!'

And it wasn't exactly chop-chop, but more like whack-whack, thud-thud.

Three cheers for the ink stone, and by the way, thanks, Aizen.

...................................................................................................

**Eighth division**

'Nanao-chaaaan!'

'What, taichou? I'm doing the paperwork! It's due next week, in case you never realised!'

'There was paperwork?'

'Are you drunk?'

'No…why?'

'What do you want?'

'Well, see, there's this whole Santa thing…and so shouldn't we be going to sleep?'

'In different rooms.'

'Aww…'

With a loud thwack noise, a file hit Kyouraku over the head and a satisfied Nanao dragged him across the floor to a room where she threw him in and slammed the door. Having done so, she proceeded to go to her own room in the barracks.

Urahara Kisuke, the Nightmare before Christmas, had seen. And since he had seen, he headed for Nanao's room window.

Nanao pulled a few stacks of paperwork out of her shihakushou and sat on her futon, brush held in her hand when a bucket hat popped up at her window sill and yelled, 'remember to sleep, ne?'

Screaming, the fukutaichou of the eighth division slammed her window shut.

Before long, Urahara had managed to crank it open again and climb through, give Nanao a little pep talk on the benefits of sleeping early on Christmas Eve before dealing a hard whack to the side of her head and then climbing out of the window.

...................................................................................................

**Ninth division**

Urahara found a gong somewhere and decided to add it to his selection of weapons (namely the ink stone). Charging into the ninth division clanging the gong, he yelled, 'BEDTIME!!!' before breaking into song about wee little winkie running through the town.

The entire division cringed and tried to wrestle the gong away. 'Go to bed! Why don't you just go to bed! Don't you want presents tomorrow morning?'

With the gong out of commission, Urahara proceeded to knock people unconscious with the traditional knock-em-out-with-an-ink-stone method.

Dusting his hands off and collecting his gong back, Urahara hurried to the tenth division. After all, no point wasting time arguing when you only have ten minutes till Santa comes with his sack and his craving for chocolate chip cookies to be washed down with a cup of milk.

...................................................................................................

**Tenth division**

All was calm in the tenth division (for once) but the lights were still on. This proved to be a problem for Santa's Personal Wee Little Winkie, who was halfway down the path with his trusty ink stone and gong.

And as if on cue, the peace was broken with screams from the office.

Screams from the mouths of the two most superior officers in the division.

'MATSUMOTO I DEMAND that you put me down RIGHT NOW!'

'TAICHOU we need to sleep, or else Santa won't bring us any presents!'

'I DON'T CARE, OKAY? THE PAPERWORK'S DUE NEXT WEEK SO PUT ME DOWN ALREADY! I'M YOUR (insert beep)-ING SUPERIOR!'

'But taichou, this—'

'Souten ni za—'

'No taichou don't do that!'

'AUGH MATSUMOTO DON'T DO THAT!'

'Do what?'

'Never mind. Give me back my zanpakutou.'

'Not until you agree to go to sleep.'

'YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER LET ME GO!'

'But taichou I—'

'AUGH MATSUMOTO DON'T DO THAT!'

'What?'

'Bakudou no kyuu: geki! Hadou no sanjyuusan! Soukatsui!'

Screaming ensued.

Urahara then ran a quick errand into the battlefield to deliver his famous knock-on-the-wherever's-closest tactic.

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**Eleventh division**

All was silent, though the windows were broken (courtesy of the Daily Morning War). Quite a rare sight, excluding the broken windows.

In the silence, a low-volume conversation was held.

'Whoa, taichou, how'd you get her to sleep?'

'Mmph, Ikkaku, tell Urahara to tell Yachiru that Santa comes every night, m'kay?'

'Yessir.'

And the two drunken men fell asleep.

It was the first mistake of the night for Santa's missionary. He charged into the eleventh division clanging his gong, effectively awakening the fukutaichou.

'Ken-chan, Ken-chan! Santa came! And he brought something LOUD with him! Ken-chan? Ken-chan WAKE UP!!'

Urahara cringed. 'Yachiru-chan, go to sleep! Remember Santa doesn't give presents to those who are awake!' he hissed.

The little girl was asleep in five seconds

'Well, that was easy,' said Urahara as he conveniently leapt out of a window.

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**Twelfth division**

'Nemu, hand me the files on that shelf.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

The files clattered to the floor when the man in the bucket hat broke into the lab hitting his gong.

'Stupid Nemu!' and the taichou proceeded to insult his daughter in any way possible.

'GO TO SLEEP!!'

'Sorry, Mayuri-sama.'

'Pick them up and get me the files on the shelf next to it, too.'

'BEDTIIIIME!!'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

'LISTEN TO MEEE!!'

'Nemu, unlock this database.' Kurotsuchi Mayuri started flipping through a file.

'FIVE MINUTES TO MIDNIIIIIIIGHT!!'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.' Beeping noises ensued as Nemu's fingers flew over the large keyboard.

'SANTA'S COMIIIINGG!!' a "bing" noise erupted from the computer as the database was unlocked.

'Nemu, shut this old guy up.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.' She raised a fist but before it made contact the ink stone made contact with her head while the gong crashed over Mayuri's head.

...................................................................................................

**Thirteenth division**

'Ukitake-taichou!' Kiyone clattered through the thirteenth division with a cup of green tea. Sentarou was likewise clattering through the thirteenth division, but he held a bottle of pills. hearing a set of muffled coughs from a door, the two san-seki practically knocked the door down and forced the tea and pills on him, then forcing him onto the bed for rest in hopes that he would recover.

Just as this nightly ritual was being carried out, Urahara burst in and attempted to convince the two san-seki to sleep instead of caring for their sickly taichou the whole night.

'But Urahara-san, what if taichou falls sick in the middle of the night?'

'Hey, that's my line!'

'Shut up, you fat beard-grower!'

'I am NOT growing a beard, midget!'

'You said WHAT?'

'I mean it, MIDGET!'

'FATSO!'

And the two were down in two swift knocks of the trusty ink stone from the desk of the fifth division.

...................................................................................................

Lucky for Santa it was one minute before midnight.

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right! how was that? my first Christmas fic! hehheh...um, I shall leave what happened in the tenth division up to your imagination.


	2. Santa came with the big brown sack

hey! i'm reallyreallyreally sorry about this terribly late update, but I had this horrible writer's block for this story for like, 2 months. it was really bad, and i'm even more sorry about it. so, I shan't turn this into another sob story by ranting here...so, enjoy! (the 3-month late Christmas story)

* * *

**First division**

The soutaichou and fukutaichou sat solemnly at the base of the tree they had set up the previous night.

'Taichou, open yours first.' Choujirou was eager to see what the legendary Santa had brought his respected taichou.

Nodding, Yamamoto gently peeled the wrapping paper off the box and peered at it, reading the words. 'AKIRA electric shaver…Choujirou what is this?'

'I don't know, sir. Is there anything else?'

'There IS this large sheet of paper, maybe we should read it.'

'Ok.'

'Thank you for purchasing the AKIRA electric shaver. The one-year warrant does not apply if shaver has been dropped or tampered with. Dos and Don'ts. Do not plug shaver in when not in use. Do not touch front part when shaver is on. Do not unnecessarily remove the chargeable batteries. Do not attempt to take shaver apart. In any case shaver falls apart, do not attempt to fix it back yourself. Do not switch power socket on before plugging shaver in. Do not…'

'Um, taichou? How long is the list?' Yamamoto unfolded the manual five times, revealing a miraculously large piece of paper.

'Choujirou. What is this shaver thing?'

'I have no idea, sir.'

'Well then, open your present.'

After a little more tearing of paper, Choujirou uncovered a tube of cream. Reading it, he announced, 'Nivea face wash, for all types of complexion. Cures acne.' pausing, he added 'I wonder what acne is…'

The befuddled pair continued to sit at the base of the pseudo-Christmas tree, scrutinizing the manual/tube for further information on what it was supposed to do.

**

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**

Second division

The fukutaichou of the second division blearily pulled himself out of bed only to remember that it was Christmas, the holiday that Urahara had been rhapsodising about. He blearily wondered whether Santa got him a bag of chips or lumps of coal. Either way he would be happy; lumps of coal mean barbecue, don't they?

Unfortunately, it was neither chips nor was it the origin of a barbecue party. It turned out to be this large thing called a treadmill, but nevertheless it looked simple enough: put shoes on the bottom, hang clothes on the two arm thingies sticking out and of course on the large screen thing you should hang a towel.

Oomaeda Marechiyo discarded this fat stack of paper labelled MANUAL.

Soifon, on the other hand, didn't figure out the meaning of her present so quickly. In her hands she held two stuffed toys: one mouse and one dog. Thinking Santa had just gotten senile like anyone resembling him (ahem Yamamoto ahem), she happily placed them on a side table where she spotted her stuffed toy cat made in the likeness of Yoruichi-sama when the food chain appeared in her mind. Naturally, she screamed. 'Yoruichi-sama DOESN'T eat dirty MICE! No ugly DOG is going to eat her up! NOOO!!!!'

Later that day two headless stuffed toys were found in the dustbin of the second division.

**

* * *

**

Third division

'Kira-kun!' the silver-haired taichou of the third division called for his fukutaichou, who appeared to be doing the infamous paperwork due the next week.

The two sat down to figure out their presents which came in the middle of the night from Santa.

Ichimaru Gin had received a pamphlet. With determination never seen before on both their faces, Ichimaru and Kira read it. 'The World Health Organisation. How to spot early signs of myopia in your child. One, your child has problems reading small print. Two, when reading, your child places the book extremely close to his/her face. Three, your child is constantly squinting. '

'Kira-kun, why d'ya think Santa-kun would get me this?' Ichimaru brandished the pamphlet.

'Um…I don't know, taichou.'

'Whatever. I can just post it on the notice board, ne?'

Kira looked down to the package in his hands. Leaning in, he and Ichimaru read the wording on the plastic packaging. 'Removes dark circles and eye bags. Simply apply and leave overnight.'

'Taichou, I don't know what eye bags are, but we can use this to remove the blots of ink that may splatter on our paperwork!'

'Excellent idea, Kira-kun.'

* * *

**Fourth division  
**  
'Taichou, what's this?' a confused Kotetsu Isane gestured at the mass of dolls that her taichou had received.

Unohana looked blankly at the bunch of dolls before hesitantly saying, 'Isane, these dolls…'

'Yes?'

'They all have their braids going down their BACK.'

'That…uh, is surprising.'

The kindly taichou of the fourth division quickly changed the topic. 'What did you get, Isane?'

Isane looked worried, as if she was ready to burst into tears.

'What is it, Isane?'

'Fish paste! With a letter that says "fears must be overcome"!'

'Fish paste?'

'No! Don't say it!'

'That's okay, Kotetsu-fukutaichou. We can make—'

'No! Don't say it!'

'What's so wrong about saying "fishcakes"?'

**

* * *

**

Fifth division

'Hinamori-kun, we seem to be missing an ink stone. Any idea what happened to it?'

'No sir. Except for last night when you took the ink stone to chase Urahara-san away…'

'Oh dear. He must have taken it. Let's see if Santa sent a new one.'

After hefting a rather weighty package from under the tree, Aizen opened it. 'Hinamori-kun. This is the exact same ink stone that we lost last night.'

'Heh? How's that possible?'

'Maybe Santa figured we'd want it back and took it from whoever stole it from us.'

'Oh, that sounds like Kurosagi—'

'Hinamori-kun. Please stop watching the J-dramas and start training.'

'Hai…oh look! Santa gave me something too! It's the DVD for—'

'Hinamori-kun.'

'Hai?'

'Santa didn't give that.'

'He didn't?'

'Weren't you the one complaining last week that you lost a Ryuusei no Kizuna DVD?'

'Oh right. I must have dropped it!'

Aizen sighed and rolled his eyes as he returned the ink stone to his table.

**

* * *

**

Sixth division

'Abarai. Please put down the counterfeit coupon to the silver dragonfly glasses shop and start doing the paperwork.'

'Heh? Taichou? You mean it's a fake?'

'Yes.'

'How do you tell?'

'They don't give lifetime warranties to shinigami. In fact, nobody gives lifetime warranties for sunglasses.'

'But it looks so real!'

'But I'm telling you that it's a fake so go do the paperwork.'

After a moment's hesitation, Renji said, 'Taichou? What did Santa get for you?'

'Nothing of any importance.'

'Why?'

'It doesn't concern you.'

'Aw, taichou, I'm just curious!'

'Curiosity killed the cat.'

'I'm not a cat.'

'Fine. It's a letter in Urahara Kisuke's handwriting telling me that Hisana has another sister.'

**

* * *

**

Seventh division

'Iba. What is this?'

'I don't know, sir! It says "dog food", sir!'

'Well, Iba. What did you get?'

'I don't know what this means, sir! It tells me not to read books in bad lighting, sir!'

'Anything else?'

'Yes, sir! It also tells me not to eat too many durians or fall asleep on the toilet bowl, sir!'

'Is there any more?'

'Yes, sir! It says that I should—'

'Iba. That is enough.'

'Yes sir.'

**

* * *

**

Eighth division

'Nanao-chan. Santa gave me a chart of the different types of grass.'

'Yes. It seems like he did.' The fukutaichou of the eighth division pushed her glasses up her nose as she diligently worked on the paperwork.

'Why d'you think he did that?'

'Maybe because he knows that you chew random blades of grass when you get depressed.'

A shocked expression crossed Kyouraku's face. 'How did you know that, Nanao-chan?'

'Because you did it before, taichou.'

'Oh. Well, can I see what Santa gave you?'

'No.'

'Why not~~?'

'I threw it away.'

'You can't do that!' having said that, he got up and ransacked the dustbin. 'Nanao-chan~~! Why waste a perfectly good swimsuit?'

'Because it's a two-piece, you pervert.'

'That's WHY it's perfectly good!'

Nanao Ise slammed her trusty clipboard down on her taichou's head.

**

* * *

**

Ninth division

'Taichou, did you open your present?' a curious Hisagi peered into his superior's office.

'Yes. It seems to be a long stick.'

'I see what you mean…it's a long stick that's painted over in black and white stripes.'

'Do you know what that means?'

'No sir. Maybe it's for attracting zebras.'

'We'll see how that works in the next trip to the real world. Remind me to take it with me.'

'Yes sir. And, um, I was going to ask you, taichou, do you know what this is?' the fukutaichou of the ninth division pulled out a flour beanie (A/N: basically a balloon filled with flour and has a happy face on the front and some yarn for hair). He handed it over to Tousen, who examined it and squeezed it.

'Hisagi. According to my experience, anything squishy is suspicious. You have to kill it.'

Hisagi's jaw dropped open. 'Taichou, how do you do it?'

'You squeeze it as hard as possible until it explodes.'

'Yes sir.' He squeezed. It exploded. Flour covered the unsuspecting duo.

Hisagi screamed

**

* * *

**

Tenth division

'Taichou! Let's go open them!' an excited Matsumoto sat on the floor clutching and occasionally shaking a package while Hitsugaya sat at the desk doing paperwork just like he had been since 5am when Matsumoto dragged him out of his room.

'You open yours, then.'

'No! We have to open them together!'

'No we do not.'

Someone was taking it too far and Matsumoto couldn't stand it. She got up from her position on the floor and approached Hitsugaya. Without warning, she proceeded to smother her taichou with her, um, you-know-whats. Another argument broke out.

'MATSUMOTO LET GO!'

'Not until you agree to open the present with me like a happy family should!'

'We are NOT a happy family! Let GO!!'

'No way! Say it, taichou. "I will agree to open presents with my fukutaichou"!'

'NO! Leggo!'

'Say it and I'll let go!'

'…'

'Uh…taichou?'

'...'

'I'M SORRY! WAKE UP ALREADY!'

**

* * *

**

Eleventh division

First out of bed at four in the morning was none other than the hyperactive fukutaichou. Her energy at the unearthly hour just served to further intensify the hangovers of Kenpachi and Ikkaku.

'Mou, fukutaichou! My head hurts!'

'Then I can help you make it hurt more!' the pink-haired girl made a move to launch herself at the san-seki's bald head.

'No! Taichou, stop her!'

'Yachiru, stoppit.'

The child stopped mid-air along her course to Pachinko's head and fell with a thud to the floor. 'But Ken-chan! I'm bored!'

'Fine! Then go open all our presents if it makes you happy!'

'YAY!!' Shreds of what used to be wrapping paper littered the eleventh division as the fukutaichou smeared hair gel that was supposed to be better than hairspray over a wig that was supposed to look like real hair. Having slicked the wig into several different hairstyles, she eventually decided on pulling it into spikes and positioning it on Pachinko's head while he was asleep.

**

* * *

**

Twelfth division

'Nemu, come here.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.' The fukutaichou of the twelfth division dropped everything in her hands and walked serenely over to her father and taichou.

'Explain to me what this is and do research on it.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama,' and she took the tube from her taichou's hands. 'Is this what Urahara-san gave?'

'Yeah, what _is_ tanning lotion? Research, we may need test subjects. It may be dangerous and potent, not saying that you should be careful though.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

'And, Nemu?'

'Yes?'

'Bring me what Urahara gave you.'

'But, Mayuri-sama, it's just a piece of paper that says "mind".'

'Well then, I wonder what that means. Maybe we can ask one of the intelligence divisions and then we can conduct experiments.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

**

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**

Thirteenth division

'UKITAKE-TAICHOUUUUU!!!' the two san-sekis of the thirteenth division pounded around seireitei calling for their sickly taichou. 'WE OPENED YOUR PRESENT FOR YOUUUUUUUU!!!!'

'IT'S HAIR DYE!!'

'TAICHOU? Open the door please?'

Inside his quarters, Ukitake stacked boxes and chairs against the door while feigning a weak voice and telling his san-sekis that he wouldn't be coming out today, so leave him alone thanks very much. He even threw a few coughs in to sound genuine.

Unfortunately, it didn't work and they broke the door down and Ukitake reluctantly accepted the hair dye before throwing his subordinates out of the room for subordination.

Subsequently, he called for an unranked officer to deliver the hair dye to a certain friend in charge of the tenth division who irately poured it into one of Matsumoto's sake bottles later that year, on New Year's Eve, to be exact.

**

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**

Tenth division

'TAICHOU?? TAICHOU?? Wake up please?' When Matsumoto received no reaction from her taichou, whom she'd suffocated by accident (how on earth does that kind of thing happen anyway??), she began shaking him and yelling at the same time.

'TAICHOU! IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP I'LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN DRAG YOU TO THE FOURTH!' still no reaction.

'TAICHOU!!! URAHARA GAVE YOU SOMETHING TOO! AND I OPENED IT! DO YOU LIKE HGH??'

* * *

**Urahara shoten**

The blond man with the bucket hat chuckled happily after his little excursion to seireitei. If only he wasn't exiled, then maybe he could do this king of thing fer each holiday that came around.

But then again, it may well have been this playful streak that played a part in his exile. Urahara sighed and pulled a crayon and notebook out. _Time to start planning for next year, I guess_.

* * *

heya, as a sidenote, Kurosagi is a Japanese drama, not a typo error of Kurosaki. and, HGH stands for human growth hormones. if you don't understand any of the insults Urahara flung at them you can just ask me :) thank you, and I'm sosososososo sorry! D:


End file.
